Three weeks after we had become undone I saw a picture of you somewhere online and I burst into tears. It took a month of missing you to muster the courage to replay all your voicemails. I counted each day in poems. Slowly loosening my grip. Each morning I woke up only to be gutted by the truth of us. I told myself that one day you wouldn’t be the thought I always tried not to think. It happened slowly this way. Stacking the minutes and weeks and urges one over the other. Until after a long long time, I stumbled into an image of your beautiful face again.

omdat het mij doet denken aan de dagen dat ik mij inderdaad druk maakte over waar en met wie hij was:

I haunt the internet
For traces of you
I beg Google to tell me
Something new

Are you living?
Are you loving?
Who puts you to sleep now?
Who soothes your growl?

When I had you
Skin over skin
I never thought
Pixels and megabytes
Would one day
Own more of you
Than I do

You’ve replaced your veins
With electricity wires
Your eyes are
Computer screens now

And me
Clutching a mouse
As if it were your hand
Gone limp
In my own

Who are you now?

Mijn ex is verloofd... Wat een rare gedachte. Een paar weken geleden vertelde hij me nog dat het uit was met de meid voor wie hij mij had verlaten. En nu, hele korte tijd later is hij verloofd met iemand anders.

Het raakt me niet, ik ben blij voor hem en hoop dat hij gelukkig wordt.

Maar ik heb zo lang gehoopt dat zoiets zou gebeuren. Dat hij haar zou inruilen voor iemand anders. Zodat zij zou voelen hoe het is als je lang van iemand hebt gehouden en die persoon dan binnen no time over je heen lijkt te zijn. Pijnlijk.. En eindelijk krijgt zij wat ze lang geleden al had moeten voelen.

there are worse things
than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than too late

don't let it be too late.

One day
The sound of your name
won’t turn my stomach
into a collapsed twin tower

One day
The pictures of you two
Won’t fill my face
With raindrops
That mistook
The empty in my eyes
For the sky.

One day.
your voice
Won’t send me
back in time.

One day
I’ll stop looking
for myself
in her.....
everything.

Stop wishing
And wanting
And waiting
And wading
And waiting
And wading
And waiting

But for now
You will continue
To resurrect
In my exhales.

In my hellos
And my goodbyes
In all
That ever hurt
And all
That ever loved

You are
Disgustingly

Like Whitney Houston once sang:

I'd rather be alone than unhappy!

Hope will make a man
Give up everything
In best wishes that
The outcome will be better
Than the present.
Hope,
Will drive you to sell your soul
Even if for all the wrong reasons.
Hope-
Will break you.
Hope
Will misguide you
Hope,
Will leave you bitter
And dried up
If it doesn't prove true.

Time to stop hoping and take control of your own life again.